Some pumpkin foods are delicious: fresh pumpkin cupcakes, for example, frosted with cream cheese icing, or crumbly, barely-sweet pumpkin scones. Pumpkin pie!
Others are sick crimes.
While the primary focus of pumpkin-season debate remains the Pumpkin Spice Latte (which is more delicious over ice, by the way), I’d like to posit that there are far more egregious pumpkin products out there.
Of course, we can technically blame the PSL for the existence of all these bad, bad foods. So … maybe the anger is justified?
1. Pumpkin cider
I purchased a six-pack of pumpkin cider in the fall of 2013, eager to sip something cold (it was still hot outside) that still tasted like autumn incarnate. Instead, the pumpkin cider tasted exactly like vomit — not just vomit, the noun, but the actual act of vomiting.
2. Pumpkin spice gum
This one is doubly offensive: not only must you taste the cloying flavor of the gum, but so must everyone around you when it is on your breath for the rest of the day. Friends, not chewing this gum is a public service.
3. Pumpkin Spice Oreos
One Mashable staffer and Pumpkin Spice Oreo survivor compared the specialty cookies to “a Yankee Candle melting in your mouth.” Seems bad!
4. Pumpkin pie spice butter
A sponsored post about Land O Lakes Pumpkin Pie Spice Butter Spread recommends that you slather it not only on toast and English muffins, but on roasted carrots and pork chops. And a lot of people seem to like the stuff, so it’s probably fine, right?
Wrong. It is, again, way too sweet. Also, why would you put pumpkin spice butter on toast when cookie butter exists?
5. Pumpkin spice oatmeal
Pumpkin spice oatmeal is a bummer because it could have been subtle and nice, even wholesome. Instead, it is sickeningly sweet.
6. Pumpkin Spice Latte Peeps
One of the best parts of fall is that Peeps, which are endorsed by Satan, aren’t around to assail us. Unfortunately, Peeps has ruined this with Pumpkin Spice Peeps.
To add insult to injury, they are dipped in white fudge.
7. Pumpkin spice candy corn
Candy corn is already bad, but pumpkin spice candy corn is truly ghastly. It’s an important reminder that life can always get worse!